bad_luck_wind

Silver Linings

2009-12-09T04:16:59Z

I found one! The silver lining to all of your ignoring me and making no effort to keep in contact is that I don't have to hear any lame excuses as you why none of you bums have made any attempts. Whatever. Anyways, I finally start the god-damned program next month. Thats teh main thing standing between me and parole. BTW, I see parole again in January.

My mom came up from Tx again to see me and that was definitely awesome. My grandmother has decently passed away. I did a couple months in the hole on some bullshit. I played another show- 8 songs: blitzkreig bop, i wanna be sedated, astro-zombies, skulls, teenagers from mars, halloween, last caress, and green hell. It was a blast. I even made a big crimson ghost logo for the bass drum.

So, Life is boring but it would still be cool to see or hear from you guys once in a while.

Anyways, Id like to know whats going on with all of you guys. Till then, happy Native American Oppression/Exploitation day. (thanksgiving)

Ciao.

Raye's Note: I just got some fucking visiting slips, so if any of you faggots wanna visit Tim, I can help you with that.

Change

2008-07-12T19:32:45Z

(editor's note: Tim just wrote 5 fucking pages. Fucking Christ. I've had the letter for almost a week now, but I've been busy. Sorry guys.)

So, yeah.... Shit.

I have no clue how to start telling of of this without sounding like a complete fucking nutjob.

First, let me say, thank you to all of you who replied to my last LJ entry. I appreciate all of your comments.

Second let me say that I am truly sorry. I realize that I've been an overly negative, cynical, pessimistic, fatalistic, sarcastic, seething, angsty asshole. If I hurt any of you with my attitudes then I apologize. I realize that all of you have lives to live and that I can't be a part of them for now. I've been incredibly insecure and in way to much need of the approval of people I valued (all of you). So if I was snippy or hurtful, once again, I'm sorry.

Now, let me back track a bit. For the last year or two (honestly its probably more than that) I've been not so much downward spiraling as nosediving. Its hard having to lose/let go of your entire life/livelihood and the people/places/things in it. And somehow, the more times you have to do it, the harder it gets. Whatever, my prob, not yours.

Anyways, a few months ago, the negativity started spiking up real bad. I started having panic attacks, getting into fights, and contemplating suicide. It was all I could do not to repeatedly smash my face into a wall on a daily basis. Emo, but true. I did nearly break a hand a couple times. I was getting in A LOT of trouble. I even had to send out my guitar (sniff, sob, sniff) and every single piece of art I had. Literally, YEARS worth of artwork. All of the bullshit seems to be stacking up higher and higher and I was basically having a very long and drawn out nervous breakdown. Then recently, I realized it was all a nightmare and I decided to wake up.

Here's where all of the metaphysical/spiritual mumbo-jumbo comes in. If any of you have read R. A. Heinlein's "Stranger in a Strange Land" you'll understand some of my references. If not, then I give the book the highest recommendation possible from me: 5 skulls (editor's note: there's 5 cute skulls drawn here. I was gonna recreate them in mspaint, but I can't be arsed.) One of the best books ever written. Anyways, like I said, I've decided to wake up. I've been manifesting all of my own horrible luck my entire life. My own beliefs and thought patterns were shackles. I always hated god and believed that god hated me. I was right because I hated myself. And I'm finally starting to think in martian so to speak. When the man from mars said that we are all god, he was right. I grok. He meant that we all manifest our own universe, our own reality. I am God. I don't mean that in any megalomanical sense. Only in the sense that I've created my own universe and if it sucks, I can only blame myself. On the flip side, If I created/manifested all of this bullshit in my life then I can manifest positive shit too, your grok?

Holy shit, I'm awake. I can see through this blinding haze of self-hate, self-doubt, self-deceit, and self-destruction. The only limits in this world are those we set withing the parameters of our belief about the world. I can grok. I can dig that all the way to China.

To those of you out there in the world who hate me or even dislike me for the things I've done, I feel sorry for you. Hated is a wasted emotion. I'm through with hating myself. I forgive myself for the things, all of the terrible, fucked up things that I've done to myself out of ignorance, stupidity, hatred, or just plain spite. I hope that the many, many people I've inflicted my bullshit on will forgive me as well. More than this, not only will I not hate myself, but actually LOVE myself. This is a truly wonderful feeling to love oneself. I am god and I will manifest my self a universe of light and love and friendship and all of the things I desire and I will do it out of love for myself.

I hope I haven't convinced you that I've flown off the deep end. These revelations are wonderful and inspiring. They aren't easy though. Its a pain in the ass, undoing a lifetime's worth of metaphysical self mutilation. But I am making progress. Lots of it.

Now, on to the legal issues: Anyone ever head of the redemption process? Tehnically, its the "U.C.C. Commercial Redemption Process". For information, Google "The Redemption Manual", "Sam Kennedy", "Benificiaries in Common Process", "U.C.C. Redemption", etc.

If you're a skeptic, don't bother and please, keep the skepticism to yourself. If you can keep an open mind, don't mind forgetting everything you think you know about the way the gov't works and want to see the way it REALLY works, go to it. You will be amazed. I have been THIS SHIT IS REAL. And its an example of the positive things I am manifesting in my life. Please don't think I've gone soft in the head. I am not crazy.

In other news, my mother came up from Texas to visit me last month. I hadn't seen in her in like 8 or 9 years and it was pretty nice. Amy has been a veritable angel lately. Shit got really bad between the two of us for a while and almost ended badly but then we both took a step back, a deep breath and re-evaluated the whole she-bang. It was more of an emotional step back. There was a WHOLE lot of drama right around that time and It was best that we did. We became FRIENDS again. I love her deeply and I look favorably on a future with her, but, the situation being what it is, I hold no expectations and keep an open mind. My mom and aunt Karen however, absolutely adore her and think she is "the one". I don't know and just won't speculate right now. I'm done being an emotional retard.

On to personal comments:

Raye (that's me!) Thank you for posting my LJs and thank you even more for just being a wonderful friend to me and I hope I can repay you come day. I miss the hell out of you and you should get your sexy ass up here and visit me.

Katu: We did have our little spats and run-ins but I never hated you. I have always thought that you were a totally cool person. Besides, you were the only one to ever compliment my pirate earrings (the anchor and helm). You're right, I don't care about excuses and thank you for not making any. I'm sorry I was an asshole to you. How are you and Gashi doing? Please tell him I said "what's up" and I miss you both.

Viktor: Ooh, this one's tough. What's up my nigger? lol, sorry, hadn't done that in a while. Look, if you don't know already then someone is going to tell you eventually. I had sex with Wendy. I don't feel bad about it because we were both lonely and consenting and the sex was good even if it was only because we needed the attention. However, I did feel like I was betraying you as a friend and for that I'm sorry. I never wanted to keep it a secret from you, I was just afraid to tell you because I didn't want you to hate me for having sex with one of your friends. Please forgive me. I still lust after your ears alone. (wink wink). ;) I'd tap it like mana Oh yeah!!! Anyways, write me bitch. I know it must be hard for a black guy to do, but your marginally intelligent considering all that. I'm sure you can manage.

Lara: I'm not angry with you. Its over, Its done, whatever. Bygones and all that jazz. Its cool, I forgive you. Yeah, it hurt like a bitch, but I forgive you. I understand. Thanks for the well wishes and stay cool. Did you ever put my tag up on the tower?

Nate: Dude, its like this: I don't know you, you don't know me and as far as you stealing my girlfriend and all, at this point I couldn't give a shit except that theres a principal involved. Its this: If you had been any random Joe it wouldn't matter, but you had just gotten out of the joint yourself. You know what it's like on the inside where as most of our friends that we have in common don't. Knowing this and knowing I was locked up, you still proceeded to do what you did. Like I said, its not you, its the principal involved. I know you're not totally at blame, as Lara is a sentient being and I don't blame you for coveting her. I did too. In fact, I forgive you all that. But the principal of the matter still bugs the shit out of me. So, I figure I owe you one. The "one " in questions is a punch in the moth (aforementioned) However, I will discharge said mouth shot in deference to your brother who I happen to like and respect. You and I might or might not be friends one day, but I still feel I owe you one. and don't worry, you're not the only mouth shot on the list.

Steev: Congrats on the graduating. You're right. I shouldn't be mad, and so I'm not. Thanks for writing. You are still on my visiting list. You, Steve Baron (F.P.), Jacquie, and Raye. Anyone else who wants to be on the visiting list only has to fill out and send in a visiting slip and voila 'tis done. It would be really cool if you did make it up here for a visit.

Jacquie: Hmmm....there's been some harsh words both ways. You know what? Whatever. You said yourself that you were talking shit behind my back but in one of your very first letters to me in Dodge you basically told me that you did that or would do that. So I can't really blame you for being you and doing what you do. So, whatever. Its fucked up but I forgive you. For my part, I'm sorry for being an asshole for the brief time that we were an item of sorts. I've apologized before and this is the last time. You obviously still haven't forgiven me. Either you do or you don't. Either way, I wash my hands of it. I'm sorry. There's nothing more I can say or do to make the situation right. As for the other shit, I don't give a fuck if your boyfriend likes me or not. He's on the mouth shot list too as far as I'm concerned. I understand that because of your personal issues and insecurities you feel a need to be loved and accepted. Nothing wrong with this. I understand that these things make you clingy and willing to conform to another person's way of thinking because you crave their approval/affection/love/etc. Whatever. I also understand that your personal bull-shit isn't my problem.
I am a sex offender. A bad one. I won't make any excuses or justifications for my actions. Heres the thing: you knew since it came out when I was in S.T.F. and you accepted me then. Now you start dating a guy who, understandably, has a problem with me based strictly on something I did as a child and all of a sudden you develop an aversion to me for the same reason. Hmmm. Thing is, my past actions are no more or less fucked up than they were when you first found out.
So, my advice; Make up your mind. Your OWN mind. Either you accept me as the person I've become or you reject me for the things I've done. Whichever. It doesn't really matter. It's your call. Please remember, I don't judge people. It's not my place to do so. I accept yours and everyone else's flaws as part of their person and then decide if I want to be associated with them. I ask the same of you. If you want to be my friend, cool. Like Steev said, I want as many friends as I can get. If not, whatever. Either way, I forgive you, I accept you, and I love you as I love all of my friends. I'm sorry for being an asshole.

To the rest [including, but not limited to: Gashi, Miku, Emmu, Nate (Matson), Steve (Baron), Jason Harsh, Sam Young, Tim, Tiffany Tingle, Jill, Lil' Rae, Chad, Leila, Mike and Steve Matson, Tony (bad uncle tony), and anyone else I'm forgetting]: I hope you are all doing well in your lives. I remember you all fondly, hope you don't judge me too harshly and haven't forgotten me. Write if you get the time/feel like it. If not, whatever. I understand.

TO EVERYONE: Thanks for the support and friendship and I consider you all water brothers (another "Stranger..." reference). Peace to all of you.

-Ciao

PS: Remember- Robert Heinlein- "A Stranger in a Strange Land". Best book EVER.

PPS: I'm Timothy Smith and I approve of this Message!

[editors note: As per usual, any and all comments will be sent to Tim. Theres a lot of stuff going on here. Spirituality, a dash of politics, and the high potential for drama, but don't worry about comment length. I do this as a labor of love (and to test my printer's capabilities :D). I feel like my typing skills have gone up 3 levels.]

Whatever

2008-05-11T20:22:11Z

So, it's another b-day coming up, another christmas gone, another year half over, blah blah blah. One day closer to getting out. That's all. I'm actually researching some legal stuff and corresponding w/a lawyer. If she'll take my case and my mom will pay her, then I could be out this year or early next year

WITH NO PAROLE, PROBATION, OR PAPER AT ALL AND A CLEAN RECORD!!!!!!!

Yeah, I'm a little excited at the prospect, but it's still just a possibility. I've got people to punch in the mouth when I'm out. Anyway, I know that there's been some shifting of opinions about me and let me NOT be the one to talk behind someone's back. *coughJacquiecough* If you have a problem with me, or the things I've done, that's fine. I have a problem with the things I've done. But if you, after having known me and my past phenomenal, super-sized fuck-ups, still called me a friend, then you have my gratitude, loyalty, and friendship without end. Not that those are worth much, but there they are. If you're my friend, a real friend, then I would die for you without question. However, if you, having known me and my past fuck-ups still called me a friend UNTIL you found someone out there in the wide world who did or did not like me, and then changed your opinion of me just for that person's approval *coughJacquieagaincough*, then Fuck You. This is as close to telling you to your face as I can get, and you should know that I like to share my opinions.

So, to all of you who have bothered to keep in touch with letters (a whole half hour and a 41 cent stamp) and visits (a whole 20 minutes away), thank you for your support and friendship. BTW, my birthday is the 20th of this month. And all of you who haven't bothered to keep in touch at all, go to hell. Oh, wait, that's just about all of you, isn't it?

My name is Timothy Smith, and I approve of this message. Ciao.

(Transcriber's note: Emphasis was already in the letter. It was not added. As always, any and all replies will be sent to Tim.)

bad_luck_wind @ 2007-07-10T22:18:00

2007-07-11T03:31:05Z

So I know it's been a while. Things don't change that much here and postage costs money, which, if no one sends me any, I have very little of.

But here I am. Prison still sucks. I've been in for just shy of a full year at this point which means I'll see the parole board around a year from now .

To all of you who signed the birthday card, thank you. It really meant a lot even if if was too gay to show off. I have a few replies to make to a few people.

-Chad- The whole X Men movie series sucked, all 3 of them. But as far as the movies go, it was pretty cool. My complaints are the continuing absence of Gambit and Nightcrawler. Major suck. Also the best thing about 3 was that Cyclops fucking died. I always did hate that preppy little bitch. Except for when he went all evil badass in the age of apocalypse. And there was some character development. Very, very little, but some anyways. P.S. I'd do me, too. Hooray buttsex. (BTW, I heard you got raped by Nate. WTF?)

-Katu- The only time we didn't get along was when we were forced to live together. I always thought you were a cool person and never actually disliked you or stopped liking you, we just had our differences in personality. Other than that, I thought we were cool. I'm sending Jacquie more visiting slips so if you ever do want to come kick it for a bit I'd not be the slightest bit opposed. Also, I heard the PS3 is sucking much more than the XB360 and that the Wii is pwning both of them. Hooray Nintendo.
-Viktor- I aint got not damn letter yet. Are you just lazy cuz you're black? J/k. Fill a damn slip out and get your black ass off the computer and up here to visit me biatch. P.S. I mis your ears ;P

-Gashi- You said that if I came back you'd come see me so you should fill a slip out and come up too. Hell if you, Katu, Viktor, Jacquie and Raye all come up together, it'll be just like kickin it old school, except in prision. Hooray, Prison.

-Jill- I trust only you to avenge my honor. Hooray vengance.

-Lara- Dont' worry, everyone's brains suck not just yours. The best thing we can do with them is eat them. Hooray tripe.

In other news:

Steev and Steve, what's up bitches? Hope yalls is still cool. I miss you guys. Thank you Jacq's mom and Little Rae too. Hey Same, why didn't my kid send me a father's day card? Some baby mama you are.

Anyways, hopefully I'll be back within the next couple years. Send some luck my way, I need some.

So, I'm going to sleep on an inch and a half of plastic and foam on a metal slab and then rub all the knots out of my back tomorrow.

Ciao.

Soul searching

2007-01-24T01:07:04Z

I've started reading a book called "Irish Girls About Town". I picked it up because it has a pretty red head and playfull cursive writing and a generally "feel good" feeling to the cover. That and the whole Irish thing. Anyway, it ends up being a book of short romance stories about Irish women recovering from bad relationships, rediscovering love, and all that jazz. The authors are all, that's right, Irish women. The stories are well written, and it does have the "feel good" quality that I was hoping for, but still, it's had a multiple effect on me. While it does make me feel good, and gives a sense of hope that recently dejected romantics crave insatiably, it also makes me think about Meara.

Now, I'm sure a lot of you are thiking "why bother" or "oh brother" or something of the sort. I can't say I blame you. But Meara was both a proud Irish woman (too proud for her own good), and a gifted writer. I consider myself a gifted writer in the sense that my vocabulary, spelling (when I pay attention to it), use of literary tools, proper grammar, and all that are above average. As Judge Simanek so scathingly pointed out, I'm very articulate (read: manipulative). Meara blew me out of the water. I remember a sense of joy, passion, love, and surges of emotion when reading her work that were a very large part of why I fell in love with her. Of course, then I remember the other reasons I fell in love with her. She was more intelligent that me (while I may lack an ounce of common sense, I am not the least bit lacking in smarts, streetwise or bookwise), a wonderful conversationalist, a fellow music buff, an intuitively creative writer, attractive (a lot moreso back then, seriously, I don't know what happened there), and (so it seemed at the time), natural and non-pretentious. Hindsight really is a bitch. All of a sudden I love her all over again and I hate her all that much more. I want to talk to her and have these wonderful, charming, stimulating conversations like we used to and I want to scream and yell till my throat bleeds.

I'll be 27 or 28 when I get out. I'm getting older and older, and I have less and less to show. I'm feeling the seconds tick by and lamenting lost opportunities. I wanted to be married and have a family started by the time I'm 30. It looks increasingly less likely all the time. I remember the day when Meara and I were deeply in love and used to talk about names for children and decorating our house and raising kids. Times when a future, family, good job, house, 2 car garage, a nice car to put in it, and the dog in the backyard semed like a couple weeks away.

Meara: I hate you. I hate you for letting your paranoia and insecurity make you bitter and hostile. I hate you for letting your judgemental, bitchy, shallow, vain attitude take over the woman I fell in love with. I hate you for cheating on me and lying to me and breaking my heart repeatedly. I hate you for going out of your way to hurt me after I couldn't stand to be hurt by you anymore. I hate you for letting all those things drive a wedge between us. I hate you for blackmailing me and holding me an emotional prisoner. I hate you for becoming clingy and obsessive, and, at the end, downright dangerous and psycho. I hate you for killing Meara and all of her qualities that I loved. I hate you for taking my dreams of a future and family and creative, Irish names for our children away from me. I hate you for making me hate you. I hate you because I still love you. God Damn you. I hate you for making me cry.

Shit, how long does it take to get over someone? The relationship was hell. Why can't I let it go?

I find that I've developed "more than friendship" feelings for a couple people and I don't know if its relapse or rebound or insecurity or lonliness or plain old emotional retardedness. My former fiancee of 3 1/2 years and the love of my teenage life, Lindsey, is pregnant. I never stopped loving her. I'm in a severe state of emotional confusion and turmoil.

Rationally, I know the best course of action is to step back, emotionally distance myself from the cause of the pain and evaluate the situation from the objective standpoint where I would most likely find that a lot of my feelings are being caused by a lack of control in both my physical and emotional circumstances and a general feeling of loss and helplessness. Subconciously, I'm seeking to exert control over my life through means I believe myself to be familiar with. When I fail, I automatically convert -all- emotion to anger and depression because I'm the most familiar with them. However, knowing all of that doesn't make a damn bit of difference because I am a hopeless romantic and I tend to lose my rational head to my impulsive heart.

So as much as I'd like to change, I don't know how. I'm 25. I should know this by now. As smart as I am and with as much experience as I have, how do I not know this? Lindsey said to me: "As far as the women in your life, you should know better so stop bitching. Women are evil and if you haven't learned that with all your experience, you never will." She's right. I have learned that. I just don't know why I still let it bother me. I have to wonder though, is it the wmen in my life that have caused me so much pain or is it my lack of control, rationality, reason and common sense when dealing with them? Probably some of both. Another question: does this tie into my problems with authority figures and inabilty/unwillingness to follow the rules? Probably so, I just don't know how.

I'm hoping that I can use this time of isolation and incarceration to gain some control over my impulses and emotions. If I can gain control over myself, I gain control over my life. That's what it all boils own to isn't it? Control. I want control where I can't have it and fail to exert control where I can. If I exert control where I can then I'll be in a better position both mentally and physically to be in control where I otherwise wouldn't be. Genius. Now I just have to actually do it. Daunting. One of those easier said than done things. This is where I have to make a decision to be fatalistic or optimistic. I could say I'll try my best, but in the words of Yoda, "Try not. Do or do not. There is no try." So I must either do or do not. Yikes. It's scary to look change in the face.

Ultimately, I must make the decision to do because I -have- to. If I ever want to make it or be anything mroe than I am I have to change the things about me that keep putting me back here. If you've actually bothered to read this far through my rambling psycho babble (and thank you if you have), then I ask you to pray for me. I might very much need it.

I have to start somewhere, and now I have a place to start and some things to think about.

Meara: I never wanted to hate you. Hate is a canker that rots in the soul. All I ever wanted to do was love you. Well, that can't be now. Instead of hating you for the rest of my life I will do the only other thing I can do. Meara, I forgive you. Completely and totally with no exceptions. No matter how bad whatever was, if I hold onto it, it will kill me. I will never forget, but I forgive you.

In other nes, I have 11 stitches in my right palm. I tore (literally -tore-) it open doing a stupid stunt on the cell block. When they measured it at the ER, 4cm long and, when they spread it open to clean it, 4 cm wide. There were huge chunks of fatty tissue sticking out. I actually saw tendons. Once they numbed it up it was a very interesting experience. Now it's stitched, swollen, painful and purple. The stitches are supposed to come out Tuesday. No pain pills either. I've just written 6 1/2 pages with it. I'm a dumbass apparently.

My maximum stay of 90 days here is half over. 46 days today. I could be out of here this month, but I suspect I will probably be here the whole 90. Heh.

Viktor, Katu and Gashi and anyone else whose info I -don't- have, I need it before I can put you on my visiting list either here or at RCI. So Viktor, hurry up and finish that fucking letter already.

Also, my address has made a minor change. It's 4E-6 instead of 4C-7, now. The rest, as well as visiting times (cough cough nudge nudge hint hint) are still the same.

One more little shocker, I got a letter from everyone's favourite bad uncle, Timmy D. Wow. I really wasn't expecting that one. You know, I kinda miss story time with uncle Timmy. "Dolphin sheets!?! Who the fuck has dolphin sheets?!?" Ahhh. Good old times. Well, I can't think of anything else. I'll quit babbling now.

Ciao.

P.S. Oh yeah, I have dreadlocks now.

((By the way, I'm pretty sure I mentioned this before, but if anyone comments, I'll forward it to Tim in my letters. I'm sure he'd like to hear from you guys, so if you don't feel like writing him a letter or whatever, just comment with what you want to say and I'll get it to him. -Tim's secretary))

Tis the Season...

2006-12-28T04:18:07Z

Hey, been a while. Lots to say. First things first. Hey ladies; I'm single. Yeah, I finally found out what the rest of the world already knew and what I very strongly suspected. Lara's ben fucking Nate (Steev Carrier's brother) and lying to me about it. I told her not to promise me that she wouldn't cheat but I asked her to make one and only one promise: that no matter what happened, be open and honest with me and treat me fairly. She promised and then did the exact opposite. I'm not gonna bother being bitter or spiteful or fecitious except to say: I wonder how long it'll be before she does the same to him. I feel sorry for him already. She wrote me 8 pages about how bad she feels and didn't even bother to tell me who she was fucking. She asked "Do you still love me?" I said "Yeah but so what? It didn't stop you." I guess what hurts is taht 1) she didn't love or respect me enough to keep the one promise to me. 2) that I thought she'd be different and turned out to be just another one to cheat and lie about it. The latest in a long line: Lara, Meara, Macy, April, Star, Angel, Stephanie, Crystal, and so on. 3) That I actually allowed myself to trust her. Even though I knew her history. I guess that's my own dumb-ass fault. 4) that I allowed myself to fall for her at all. Especially so soon after the whole Meara fiasco.

Okay, so I was stupid for jumping in head-first. Live and learn. Move on. I'm through emoing. Moving along.

Nobody needs to apologize for not telling me. It was Lara's place to do so. I understand. No ill will. I would appreciate letters from some of you, though. (ahem:: Viktor, Steev, Steve F.P., Katu and Gashi, etc.::ahem)

I will be in this place for 2-12 weeks. Then I'll go either to RCI or Kettle Moraine (an hour north of Milwaukee). The address here is:

Timothy Smith 406568,
Outagamie Co. Jail 4-C-7
P.O. Box 1779
Appleton, WI 54912-1779

Currently, Jacquie, both Steves, Raye, Amy, Griffin, Lara and Meara are on my visiting list. I put Meara on before I found out that she indeed is -not- pregnant. Supposedly, she lost the kid back in October. Shyeah, right. As if anyone believed she was pregnant anyways. I'll be taking her and probably Lara off the list on the 15th. Then I can put 2 more on. Woot. I can get 3 visits a week- Sunday- 8AM-10:40 AM, Saturday- 6:45 PM-9:25 PM, and Tuesday, the same as Saturday. 3 people can come at a time and they have to be here about 15 minutes early. I know it's a drive, but I would like to see some of you guys. I miss you all.

Anywho, I just did 36 hours, naked, in an observation tank because my punk-bitch cellmate dropped a kite on me saying I was gonna hurt myself cuz my girlfriend cheated on me. He used that as an excuse cuz he wanted to get me out of the cell. Now I'm back and trying to restrain myself from stabbing him with a pen. Gay.

Well, I guess that's it for now. Merry Christmas, Happy Hannuka (Miku), Happy Kwaanza (Viktor), Happy whatever-the-fuck-you-celebrate (Unitarians), Happy Yule (me and other pagans), hey Gashi, what the fuck do Arabs celebrate? Lol. Talk to y'all later.

Ciao.

bad_luck_wind @ 2006-10-05T23:37:00

2006-10-06T05:55:13Z

tim is now at dodge and has a new address for the time being:

for cards and letters only:
Dodge Correctional Institution
Timothy Smith 406568
P.O. Box 700
Waupun, WI 53963

for money orders:
Dodge Correctional Institution
Timothy Smith 406568
P.O. Box 800
Waupun, WI 53963

tim wanted me to ask anyone to spare 5 or 10 dollars, or pretty much anything, if they could, because he really needs it right now. if you don't want to purchase a money order or anything, everyone can just give their money to me (being lara) and i'll use it to buy one...giant combined money order. to make things more simple. and cheaper for everyone.

Please Read This

2006-08-30T06:16:13Z

I never made any excuses about my past. Ive never claimed to be a wonderul person. Ive done some horrible things. Hell I guess the secret is out so I might as well tell.
When i was 14 I molested a 7 year old girl. There. Thats my deep dark secret. Ive tried to kill myself 6 times because of it. Ive spent the last 10 years trying to out run my past thinking I could somehow live a normal life. I know now that I cant. Im done running. If you hate me or dislike me or dont ever want to talk to me or dont feel comfortable around me or dont want to be my friend, I understand. Ive never tried to seem like more than I am. All Ive ever wanted was to have people accept me for the person I am and not judge me on the things Ive done.
Is that so wrong?
Maybe it is.
I have nothing more to hide.
If you, knowing this, still wish to be my friend, and can accept the person Ive become; Thank you. You have my gratitude and my undying loyalty. Admitedly and unfortunately, these aren't worth a whole hell of a lot but you have them anyway. I would willingly and gladly put my life on the line for anyone I consider a friend. If anyone has any questions or comments for me concerning this or anything else, Id be happy to answer. Leave them here, convey them through Lara, write me directly (Lara has my address), whatever. I will get them.
Im not apologizing anymore. Whats done is done. Ive made my amends and come to terms with what Ive done. That does not excuse what Ive done, but it is still a fact. Despite what anyone may say or think, I am not the same person as I was 10 years ago. Once I had a conversation with Viktor about regret. He said he has none and doesnt feel that anyone should, or something to that effect (forgive me if I misquoted you Viktor). Well I do. but in a sense hes right. For better or worse, my experiences have made me the person I am. I do regret the things Ive done, but I am now who I am. Take it or leave it.
If any of you are offended that I didnt tell you before, well, think about it. For one, I am ashamed of it. For two, its not exactly open conversation material. I didnt tell the entire world because I didnt think the entire world needed to know. I guess I was wrong. Ill admit that, Ill also admit that there were people I wanted to tell but couldnt. like Gashi and Steve F.P. and Chicago Steev and Jacquie and some others. People I was especially fond of or close to. Either the opportunity never came up or I was scared. To those people, I do apologize.
Lara did know before we started dating and my roomates all knew before I moved in with them.
Im going to be in prison for the next 2 1/2 - 4 years, depending on factors like my behavior program progress & participation, the parole board, ect. If you will be or remain my friend despite all Ive said, thank you. If not, well, sayonara. I understand and I hope that at least theres no hard feelings. I ask all of you to not give Lara any slack because of my past. She knows all about me, my past, and she knew before we started this. Knowing all that she still chooses to accept me and to be with me. Thank you Lara.
Just one more thing to say: I know full well that I am the only person to blame for my plight. Well, I guess I could put a certain amount of blame on Meara, but whats the point. I knew the possible consequences of breaking my rules and I chose to do so anyways. It was worth it to me at the time to live some semblance of a normal life. In retrospect, I should have obeyed the rules, I should have told the truth on the polygraph, I should have..... ect, ect. Hindsight is 20/20 and karma is a bitch. I hate both.

Well I guess thats it. Judge me as you will. I guess none of this really matters but I felt I had to say it anyway. At least now youve heard my side of the story from me.

Ciao